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Birth and family
The exact birthdate of Phistophicles is unknown. Based on ancient sources, most modern scholars estimate that he was born between 378 and 379 b.c.e. in a small village just outside of Sinope. It’s believed that his father was Plinkus the Hatmaker and his mother was Gorditia, whose family opened the first laundry service in Athens. Besides Phistophicles himself, Plinkus and Gorditia had two other children; a son, Fritz and a daughter Fabulosia.Unfortunately hats weren’t very popular among the Greeks at that time, and Plinkus was forced to move his family to an even smaller town, Trackus, on the outskirts of Athens.
Name
According to famed Greek historian Laertius, Phistophicles was named after his grandfather’s tortoise. Loosely translated, Phistophicles means “hard-shelled pet,” which is ironic, as he apparently was a very sensitive child. Childhood
Laetius also informs us that Phistophicles was a fast learner and the top wrestler in his class. Like most youths his age, Phistophicles made some extra drachmas as a shepherd. Unfortunately he was fired from his job and received a severe beating for practicing his wrestling moves on the unsuspecting goats.The famed poet Apollonius of Rhodes wrote about this incident in his epic poem “The Goat Wrestler.”
Excerpt:
Legs akimbo, the small beast strains
Head over heels, onto the rocks
Black eyes fear the oncoming pain
Here comes the piledriver!
Be-e-e-eh be-e-e-eh!em>
*Note: It is believed that 1970’s professional wrestling star “FistoFury” (born Nestor Kristophil) was inspired by the legend of Phistophicles and the goats, so much so that he was fined $35 for animal cruelty.
Education
After twice failing to make the Olympic wrestling team, Phistophicles began to focus on education, particularly Philosophy. It is not known whether or not he actually enrolled in the famed Academy, but he did audit several courses. Several class notebooks were found in a 1953 excavation outside of Athens, including Intro to Metaphysics, Early Stoicism, and Only One God, Really?, which appears to be a seminar. Anthropologist Michael S. Seligson, in his paper, “Phistophicles – Not All There?” (Tulane University Press, 1985), makes note of an abundance of doodles in the margins and vulgar comments about the instructors. Seligson opines that Phistophicles may have suffered mild brain damage from an early attempt to prove that man could live without breathing.
Despite the less than impressive start at the Academy, Phistophicles began to be noticed as a philosopher, receiving a Best Beard citation at the 354 B.C. Philosopher’s Games.
Philosophy
Phistophicles had a great deal of resentment of others philosophers. His cantankerous attitude and often surly disposition got him thrown out of several schools of philosophy, including the Neo-Platonists, Academic Skeptics, Cynics and Stoics.Antisthenes, one of the founders of the Cynicism movement went as far to write: ‘Ne’r did I meet such a scoundrel and lout as this Phistophicles.”
The School of Phistophicles was small but its members passionate. They were famous for their prodigious parties, where much wine was consumed. It was after one such event that Phistophicles was thought to have penned one of his more famous maxims: “Being the last man to an orgy is never a good idea.”
Later life
After gaining some level of popularity, Phistophicles decided to make a run for the Senate. His campaign slogan was “If it Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It.” Unfortunately, with massive graft and corruption pervasive, this was ill-advised. Phistophicles was roundly defeated and went into a great depression. He wrote a letter to the Athens Daily Gazette that was recently discovered in which he stated: “You won’t have Phistophicles to kick around anymore.”It is believed that Phistophicles became something of a hermit and spent the next several years returning to his roots, tending a goat herd at the foot of Mt. Kythnos.
